Over the past few months, I've determined my life has just become "mediocre." It's not bad. There are still quite a few outstanding parts, but the sum of the whole - the moving average... that's just meh.
Shouldn't I be striving to reject mediocrity?
Sometimes, that is just hard. It requires us being honest with ourselves. Accepting the choices we have made. Changing the things that need to change. Moving forward in the direction we want to go. Cherishing the people and things we love.
Nothing worthwhile is easy, right?
James joined me on my walk last night. I like these walks (save the 100 degree weather) because they're usually just us and about an hour to talk, discuss, dream without kid-interruption. We don't make time for them often enough.
During our walk, I admitted that I'm not happy with who I am. I feel like I've just, well, let myself go. I don't put much effort into appearance. My clothes are ill-fitting and worn. (Yes, I keep putting off buying new clothes because "I'm really going to lose the weight this time, and then they won't fit so I'll just wait.") My face, well, broken out and splotchy most of the time. I stopped wearing any eye makeup about 5 months ago, including mascara. I haven't had a haircut in 8 months. I haven't had my hair color addressed in 10 months, other than the 3+ weeks of pink from Vegas. I neglect manicures, pedicures, brows, and everything. else. I've allowed myself to gain and gain and gain more weight. I'm delusional about how "in shape" I am. I'm delusional about how healthy I eat. I question whether or not I'm on the verge of depression.
But, I continue to fail at making any real changes. I continue to do the same thing, day after day. I've become complacent in who I am. Sure, I come here and spout off all the things I'm "going" to change, but then fail to execute.
What the heck is wrong with me?